Happy Father's Day

Today is father's day. I got a great gift, the house to myself for the morning. The peace and quiet is awesome.

My dad died in 1995. We werent really close.

Sometimes my two boys stress me out more than the iraqi insurgents. One is 9 and the other is 5, he is known as "evil" for a good reason. Mostly its the noise that gets to me and I have to yell at them. I hate doing that but sometimes it just comes out when I have had enough. The medication effexor does a pretty good job on the anxiety. 300mg is my daily dose. It doesnt seem to help much with the depression though.

I spend most of my time in a "don't care about anything " mode. Thats probably a good thing for me not sure about the boys though. Its not intentional I just dont care. I will be happy if one of these days I am able to get off all of my medications and get back to normal. Im sure it will never be back to pre-iraq stage cause I'm a different person now but I would like to get to a stage where I can sleep and not take the drugs.

I do feel guilty about being a father and abandoning them and going to Iraq. The army made me go but I did volunteer to go back in and take my chances of going. Once the orders came there was no way I was going to try to get out of it and not go. I was a soldier and had taken an oath. It was my duty to go and I dont regret that part. There were a lot of fathers over there doing the same thing I was. Soldiering and trying to stay alive.

Thats what fathers have to do sometimes.