Run Fast
Run Tight
and
Dont Stop for shit!
Monday, June 25, 2007
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Bad Day
Yesterday was a bad day. from the time I got up until early evening, my anxiety and depression were in overdrive. My mind wouldnt quit racing. I tried to concentrate on other things but couldnt.
I was ready to pack my stuff and move out for good. It may have been the change in the medication I dont know we will see.
I was ready to pack my stuff and move out for good. It may have been the change in the medication I dont know we will see.
Friday, June 22, 2007
New Plan
jennifer, my psych person has started me on a new plan. We will be adding Topomax to my night time regimen to help with my sleep. I start with 5mg then work my way up to 40mg. Hope it helps.
She is switching me from Effexor to Celexa. We hope that this will lessen the depression symptoms and stop the erection problems. So I am cutting down on the effexor and increasing the celexa on a weekly basis until I am totally off one and on the other.
Hope it works.
She is switching me from Effexor to Celexa. We hope that this will lessen the depression symptoms and stop the erection problems. So I am cutting down on the effexor and increasing the celexa on a weekly basis until I am totally off one and on the other.
Hope it works.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Sleep
Here is a typical night. If I go to bed at 9 then I am up again at 11, 12, 1, 2 then 2-4 cant sleep then back to sleep and get up at 5. Then I give up and get up for the day. When I fall asleep I go into hypervigilance mode and any stimulus no matter how small wakes me up or one of my common nightmares gets me to a point of fear or frustration that I wake up sweating buckets and have to get up for 5-10 minutes and then go back to bed.
My psychiatrist has tried tremazapam, seroquel, trazadone, lunestra and ambien and nothing works so far. I almost kill for 8 hours of non-stop good sleep. As you can see from the schedule above i actually do get some sleep but no rest. If I am not hammered when I go to sleep I hardly get any at all.
I am going to see her today in Iowa City at the VA hospital. We will see what she suggests this time. Im also going to talk to her about something other than effexor. It helps for the anxiety but really doesnt seem to do much for the depression. Plus it makes it almost impossible to have an orgasm. Even though I have almost no interest in sex due to the medication, it would be nice to know that if I did my parts would work right. The high blood pressure medication doesnt help that area either. LOL.
I think there are some other meds that may help more. I hope so.
My psychiatrist has tried tremazapam, seroquel, trazadone, lunestra and ambien and nothing works so far. I almost kill for 8 hours of non-stop good sleep. As you can see from the schedule above i actually do get some sleep but no rest. If I am not hammered when I go to sleep I hardly get any at all.
I am going to see her today in Iowa City at the VA hospital. We will see what she suggests this time. Im also going to talk to her about something other than effexor. It helps for the anxiety but really doesnt seem to do much for the depression. Plus it makes it almost impossible to have an orgasm. Even though I have almost no interest in sex due to the medication, it would be nice to know that if I did my parts would work right. The high blood pressure medication doesnt help that area either. LOL.
I think there are some other meds that may help more. I hope so.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Continuing the VA Trail
I have have several claims pending 2 of them from last August. My shoulder and back were deferred for further exam but those havent been scheduled yet. I have filed others for fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, COPD, Sleep apnea, sciatic neuralgia and sacroiliac injury and weakness. If these are filed withing a year of my discharge then if they are rated they will back dated to August 2006.
Last month I had to go to the hospital in Columbia for an exam for ED. It even included a free prostate exam. Woohoo! The female doctor asked me if I wanted another man in the room to do the exam and i said "hell no", Id rather have a woman do it. SMaller fingers!
I dont see my regular VA doctor until July. Ill be glad when that gets hear cause my inhaler is almost empty and my SI joint is killing me. Hopefully he will refer me to a specialist in Iowa City.
I called the VA in St Louis to check on my claim status and she has to call me back so I am waiting for that call. Things take forever sometimes.
Last month I had to go to the hospital in Columbia for an exam for ED. It even included a free prostate exam. Woohoo! The female doctor asked me if I wanted another man in the room to do the exam and i said "hell no", Id rather have a woman do it. SMaller fingers!
I dont see my regular VA doctor until July. Ill be glad when that gets hear cause my inhaler is almost empty and my SI joint is killing me. Hopefully he will refer me to a specialist in Iowa City.
I called the VA in St Louis to check on my claim status and she has to call me back so I am waiting for that call. Things take forever sometimes.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Happy Father's Day
Today is father's day. I got a great gift, the house to myself for the morning. The peace and quiet is awesome.
My dad died in 1995. We werent really close.
Sometimes my two boys stress me out more than the iraqi insurgents. One is 9 and the other is 5, he is known as "evil" for a good reason. Mostly its the noise that gets to me and I have to yell at them. I hate doing that but sometimes it just comes out when I have had enough. The medication effexor does a pretty good job on the anxiety. 300mg is my daily dose. It doesnt seem to help much with the depression though.
I spend most of my time in a "don't care about anything " mode. Thats probably a good thing for me not sure about the boys though. Its not intentional I just dont care. I will be happy if one of these days I am able to get off all of my medications and get back to normal. Im sure it will never be back to pre-iraq stage cause I'm a different person now but I would like to get to a stage where I can sleep and not take the drugs.
I do feel guilty about being a father and abandoning them and going to Iraq. The army made me go but I did volunteer to go back in and take my chances of going. Once the orders came there was no way I was going to try to get out of it and not go. I was a soldier and had taken an oath. It was my duty to go and I dont regret that part. There were a lot of fathers over there doing the same thing I was. Soldiering and trying to stay alive.
Thats what fathers have to do sometimes.
My dad died in 1995. We werent really close.
Sometimes my two boys stress me out more than the iraqi insurgents. One is 9 and the other is 5, he is known as "evil" for a good reason. Mostly its the noise that gets to me and I have to yell at them. I hate doing that but sometimes it just comes out when I have had enough. The medication effexor does a pretty good job on the anxiety. 300mg is my daily dose. It doesnt seem to help much with the depression though.
I spend most of my time in a "don't care about anything " mode. Thats probably a good thing for me not sure about the boys though. Its not intentional I just dont care. I will be happy if one of these days I am able to get off all of my medications and get back to normal. Im sure it will never be back to pre-iraq stage cause I'm a different person now but I would like to get to a stage where I can sleep and not take the drugs.
I do feel guilty about being a father and abandoning them and going to Iraq. The army made me go but I did volunteer to go back in and take my chances of going. Once the orders came there was no way I was going to try to get out of it and not go. I was a soldier and had taken an oath. It was my duty to go and I dont regret that part. There were a lot of fathers over there doing the same thing I was. Soldiering and trying to stay alive.
Thats what fathers have to do sometimes.
refresher continued
I had to leave my job in November 2006 because of medical problems. I just couldnt do that kind of work anymore and the 1 hour drive each way was killing me. I had too many close calls of falling asleep at the wheel. Now I am surviving on 60% disability from the VA but hopefully that will go up. My wife is pissed cause she cant spend money like she used to. We have to be more practical. My only requirements are beer and smokes and maybe some food here and there.
I am still treating with psychiatry and psychology at the VA hospital In Iowa city, IA. I have more drugs than Keith Richards. The biggest problem is 3 years later and I still cant sleep. they have tried 4 different drugs with no success yet. So I am dealing with, PTSD, depression, anxiety, hypertension, IBS, chronic fatigue, fybromyalgia, right hip injury, left shoulder impingement, erectile dysfunction and sciatic neuralgia. Thats a pretty good laundry list.
I get good care from the VA but it is just slow like their disability program. I applied in August 2006 and finally had a part decision in April 2007. there are still some issues they havent decided on. So im just going with the flow and try to stay out of everyones way. Unfortunately people wont leave me alone they all still depend on me to fix their problems.
I am still treating with psychiatry and psychology at the VA hospital In Iowa city, IA. I have more drugs than Keith Richards. The biggest problem is 3 years later and I still cant sleep. they have tried 4 different drugs with no success yet. So I am dealing with, PTSD, depression, anxiety, hypertension, IBS, chronic fatigue, fybromyalgia, right hip injury, left shoulder impingement, erectile dysfunction and sciatic neuralgia. Thats a pretty good laundry list.
I get good care from the VA but it is just slow like their disability program. I applied in August 2006 and finally had a part decision in April 2007. there are still some issues they havent decided on. So im just going with the flow and try to stay out of everyones way. Unfortunately people wont leave me alone they all still depend on me to fix their problems.
A new blog for a new day
I guess my old page got deleted for lack of use. Oh well shit happens. Here is a refresher.
I was a gun truck commander in Iraq from feb to Dec 2004. I was medevaced out to Germany then back to ft Riley, KS for a hip injury. I ran over 100 combat convoy escort missions and was awarded the Army Commendation Medal, Combat Action Badge and the combat patch for the 1st Armored Division.
I was released from the medical hold program at Ft Riley in March of 2005 and received a commission as a 2LT. My hip and other things were still screwed up so I returned to active duty at Ft Leonard Wood, mo for their medical hold program. I had one hip surgery and was scheduled for another one and a shoulder surgery when I decided to go ahead and get a medical board to be medically discharged.
The Army granted me 10%, disability severance and a discharge for the hip injury, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Major Depression. I was released in August 2006 as a civilian and returned home to my family and job.
I was a gun truck commander in Iraq from feb to Dec 2004. I was medevaced out to Germany then back to ft Riley, KS for a hip injury. I ran over 100 combat convoy escort missions and was awarded the Army Commendation Medal, Combat Action Badge and the combat patch for the 1st Armored Division.
I was released from the medical hold program at Ft Riley in March of 2005 and received a commission as a 2LT. My hip and other things were still screwed up so I returned to active duty at Ft Leonard Wood, mo for their medical hold program. I had one hip surgery and was scheduled for another one and a shoulder surgery when I decided to go ahead and get a medical board to be medically discharged.
The Army granted me 10%, disability severance and a discharge for the hip injury, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Major Depression. I was released in August 2006 as a civilian and returned home to my family and job.
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